EDIT: After writing all this out in the morning (time stamp is still incorrect), I went on with my day… which included the MOS meeting at church. This time we met in the library. I didn’t know there was a library! Anyway, I borrowed a couple books to take with me while away at training this week. My favorite quote thus far has everything to do with what God has been working through my heart the past two weeks. But I also appreciated the following, which in one paragraph explains what I was stabbing at for 800 words! *blushing smile* Here it is:
“‘In my distress… [Psalm 120:1]‘ There are elements in our circumstances if we are children of God that can only be described by the word distress; it would be untruthful to say it was otherwise. ‘Then will I go unto God,’ says the psalmist, not ‘with joy’ but ‘unto God Who is my exceeding joy.’ We go to God when we have no joy in ourselves and find that His joy is our strength. Are our hearts resting in the certainty that God is full of joy although with us it is ‘clouds and darkness’ because we are pilgrims?’”
–Oswald Chambers
Crazy. It’s really, magnificently crazy! I am rediscovering the fact that praise multiplies. Once you start… once your heart is opened again to thanking and honoring the Lord, the whole idea of praise and worship explodes.
Pretty sure that I used to know this. But somehow in the confusion of the past year, it faded off. I can clearly remember standing in Convocation at Liberty, singing, clapping, knowing that Marina was doing the same in her wheelchair right behind me. Ebony was there to my left, a huge, peaceful smile on her face. I was trying with all my heart. But I was also praying secretly, “Dear Lord, I know this. I know that You are mighty and bring us joy. I believe that You lift us up. I do want to praise You for all the work You are doing. But I don’t feel like praising. My soul is in a little heap here on the floor beneath the joyful, beautiful feet of these others who are shouting Your story. I want to worship, Lord, but I’m just here begging to see more of You. Get me past my hurt heart and worries to the place where Your glory is everything.”
The week after that Convo, I headed back to Minnesota feeling less capable than ever of praising God. I sang, “We are the broken, You are the healer” all the way home, and perhaps in its own way that was praising Him too. It was a start. I knew deep in my soul that He was worthy. I just didn’t have the energy to shout happy-sounding words into the dirt where I had fallen face down.
It’s a roundabout story back to more praise. It started with conversations on respect and trust. Through family and friends, the Spirit pricked my heart: instead of being respectful towards men, I had been taking the cynical route and thereby influencing my brother and sisters to do the same. In repentence, I made a concerted effort to notice real men serving God and loving people, to thank the Lord for their example, and to point them out to my siblings.
In one of those prayers that says, “Lord, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief,” I started asking, “Show me, Lord. Show me.” Of course, He was happy to show me! I saw daddies taking their daughters out for special treats at Dairy Queen. A man drove up to Holiday, and three little boys trailed out of the van after him. They proceeded to scuff their shoes on the cement and wheedle themselves as near as possible to the wheel while he refilled it with air. He was patient, smiling, happy to have their questions and childish help. Our family was invited to lunch with a man who had stayed married for over fifty years. Little things like that were the start. Seemed like every time I consciously thanked God for these examples, He would present another that proved more amazing.
Next thing you know, I was at Mills getting my brakes fixed and the sweet grandmother at the customer service desk was talking to me about Christ. That made my day! Mom sent an e-mail about surrender, tying together the issues which she and I have been relieved to finally lay on Jesus’ shoulders. Something else to bless God for! See! I found reasons to praise Him everywhere, not just in my personal life with Him but in the whole wide world around me.
I haven’t the faintest idea why this is the time that joy flows back into my heart. Our lives are every bit as messy as they were two weeks ago. But, as with the praise, joy has been creeping up on me.
Yesterday, I rejoiced in the consciousness of being cherished by God. All the little things added up so that I could no longer ignore them. He had led me to this church. He had brought my Mom and siblings along. What the preacher was saying was everything God had begun teaching me through our mess. Marj was with us, hmming and and chuckling in agreement. A lady in front of us reached out and took the hand of a hurting lady next to her.
By the time we got back home, I needed an hour-and-forty-five-minute walk simply to begin listing out to Him the things for which I am thankful. Yes, He blesses me that much! He is filling up my heart with praise. Granted, some of these things might seem pretty silly. But coming out of a year-long slump where nothing seemed good, where I didn’t want to be here, where even the beauty of creation hurt deep in my heart… well, it was certainly springtime on a whole new level to pick up a tiny green leaf that had floated down a bit early. It felt like silk. Don’t Father Kings give royal silks to their daughters? *smile*
“The voice of joy, and the voice of gladness…
the voice of them that say, Praise the Lord of hosts;
for the Lord is good; for his mercy endureth forever…
bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord…”
Jeremiah 33:11
